WHEN MUGGLES ATTACK!
by distorted prep queen
Summary: What would happen when a bunch of muggles who've read the books suddenly rush inside Hogwarts? A lot of saving the Potter world? NO, OF COURSE NOT! Just insanity, a whole lot of sexual innuendos by Dumbledore, and of course, Harry in a tutu!
1. The Insanity Begins

**WHEN MUGGLES ATTACK!**

By: distorted prep queen

* * *

First of all, I would like to take this moment to thank all the little people who have made the concept, which I later used to make this whacked up story of mine. I doubt any of you actually care as to whom exactly these people are, so I just want to thank them all once more and hope that you all enjoy this as much as I did not too long ago with the slight help of a Grande Mocha Frappucino with extra whipped cream and syrup.

By the way, I would also like to mention that these people who are the quoted "attackers" are people I actually know and their actions and personalities that I have used here are really they. So, yes, be **very afraid** that there are people out there as loony and cracked up as this still without any intake of sugar, chocolate, or weed.

Disclaimer: In my head, I am the queen of the world every Tuesdays and Thursdays, thus owning everything. And since it's a Wednesday, this obviously doesn't belong to me until tomorrow.

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At only eight o'clock in the morning, everything in Hogwarts was already boring.

As usual, Neville Longbottom had just slid down the last flight of stairs and was currently looking for his toad- again, Hermione Granger was yet consumed by an extremely large and boring volume which hid a tinier book within titled: _How To Nab Your Sexy Potions Master, The Matured Yet Irresistible DADA Professor, or when all else fails, The Misunderstood Evil Blonde Guy_, Harry Potter was going off again with Ron Weasley talking about how it's so hard being the guy everybody loved and how he _supposedly_ doesn't want all the attention, Colin Creevy still looking like paper and right about ready to faint from being only ten seats away from his idol, and of course, and of course, Filch and Mrs. Norris practically hopping their way towards their seats after a suspicious ten minute long stay in one of the broom closets.

Yep, it was just another normal day.

"-and they rely on me _so much_! I don't think I can stand the pressure anymore!" Harry paused suddenly before dramatically bringing down his fist hard upon the table. "Maybe I should run away, you know, get away from all this magic. Maybe just live on my own as a muggle, just like…like…**A REAL LITTLE BOY WITH A WEIRD SCAR ON HIS FOREHEAD AND GOD ONLY KNOWS WHETHER THEY'RE GREEN OR BLUE EYES**!"

"I think that's a **BRILLIANT** idea, Harry! Then we could go into forests and get into lots of other adventures that regular kids have before ending up in a bad crossover between a psychopathic Oliver Twist and the Lord of the Rings!"

"How about you, Hermione!"

'_Step 1: Find interests of his that you find also parallel within yourselves and then strike a conversation that is both quick and concise with just enough to keep him waiting for the next. If there are none, then research on your subject more and choose precisely which of the following you have listed down you may possibly develop the quickest. (For a brief summary of paragraph please look below.)_

_Step 1: See what you both have in common and make that the topic of your regular flirting sessions. If you don't have anything you share, stalk him and learn whatever the hell it is you can within the next 24 hours_

'_Hmm...maybe I can use this-' _

"Oh, what was that you said, Sev- I mean, Harry?"

"Oh nevermind!" And for the second time within fifteen minutes, Harry stood up once more with the back of his hand lain femininely over his forehead. "**None of you people **_**CARE**_** about me! None of you care what ****_HARRY_ wants! What about _ME_? What about _MY_ needs!**"

"**HARRY! HARRY! HARRY! HARRY!**"

"What is it, Colin? Can't you see I'm in the middle of a _VERY_ important outburst about my feelings here!"

"Sorry, Harry, but being your delusional stalker and self proclaimed protector, I feel it is my duty to warn you and your undeserving friends here that Fred told George, who told Katie, who told Parvati, who Lavender, who told Draco, who told Cho, who told Seamus, who told me that there are a bunch of muggles invading the Great Hall right now."

And indeed, as the Golden Trio stood up and the invisible slow motion machine started to once more work it's unexplainable magic, they saw that several muggles right about their age seemed to be appearing out of thin air in the far corner of the large room.

Or maybe they were just coming in from the small broom closet they never really noticed before, which by chance, at the hours of eight o nine in the morning also becomes a portal from the muggle world inside Hogwarts.

"**HOLY MERLIN**,**FATHER OF THE ARMAGEDDON SKY WITH STEPHEN TYLER FROM THE AEROSMITHS**, **WHO CONCEIVED MICHAEL JACKSON LAST NIGHT IN THE HERBOLOGY GREENHOUSE**!

"Uh…?"

Dumbledore, aside from being shocked at how right Harry had just been right with everything he had screamed out three seconds ago, managed to get himself up from his seat on the teacher's table and made his way down to the girl who had just spoken, all the while managing a straight face even after getting a small slap on the bum by a certain McGonnagal.

"Do-you-under-stand-English?"

The twenty-six teens all looked at each other before staring up at the loony with shiny man robes in front of them. Again, the same girl spoke for the group.

"Yes-we-under-stand-English. Do-all-of-you-here-talk-like-this?"

"No, actually. But that's how Minerva and I like to talk to each other when it's late at night."

"Right, then."

All eyes seemed to be on the small group as an uncomfortable silence surrounded them all before another girl with glasses went towards the Headmaster. "So, aren't any of you guys gonna tell us where the hell we are, why we're here, you know, the basics. We can't just stay here with everyone looking at us, that was only supposed to be until ten minutes after our arrival."

"Er, right then. Does anybody here have the answers?"

"Dumbledore, sir, I have the answers!"

"Good then, Hagrid! Come over here if you please!"

"Wait, did you just call him Hagrid?" A boy, this time, asked amused.

"Of course, that is his name after all. Well, actually it's not really that but to make the pronunciation easier. You'd be surprised at how hard it is to say Ukrainian-Polish-Scandinavian names like his."

"You have got to be kidding." The boy abruptly shut his mouth as a strangely familiar half giant made his way towards the front, his trademark burly beard still untamed and his hair, uncombed. "Okay, so he **wasn'**t kidding."

"But then, that would mean that…and you're Dumbledore?"

"Yes, well…"

"What do you think they're whispering about?" Pansy Parkinson asked as she leaned in closer over the table to try and listen in on the murmurs of the anonymous group.

"How should I know? And besides, why are you asking me that _stupid_ question?"

"Draco, _I am Pansy_, you know."

"Oh yeah, right."

"So, do you all believe that they are actually Dumbledore and Hagrid?" The first girl, who had spoken, also known as Sam, asked her companions who were all huddled together.

"Well who else could they be?"

"I dunno, some delusional kidnappers who are out here to kill us all one by one just like in Scream."

"Of course not! It must really be them, I mean, those beards all look real!"

"Did anybody else smell something funky in that closet we just came in from? It's like someone just did something really **_inhumanly disgusting_ **with a cat in here."

Suspiciously, as usual, Filch and Mrs. Norris began to back out of the room before seeking solace in the aforementioned closet for the fifth time that day.

"Yeah, well. If that's true then that would mean that-"

"NO WAY!" the girl with the distinctly short hair and a braided...er, _hair tail thing_ exclaimed as the murmurings around her got louder.

"It can't be!"

"Of course it can, how likely is it that we go through a secret door hidden in some secret lair in our boring school and end up in some place like this!"

"So then, this must mean that-"

"**YES!**"

"And that-"

"**YUP!**"

"**OH.MY.GOD.**"

"Er, Sam, Jessica, Keddy, can you three fill us in on what you're talking about?"

"Oh, sorry! Long story short, we went through some magical door that somehow led us to the Harry Potter world."

"Yeah! Kick ass!" Another girl looking lot like Cho's long lost twin- _that she probably is in this story-_ exclaimed and began the overused slow clapping cliché.

"Samm, no one's following your slow clapping."

"Nevermind."

"Aww, that sucks!"

"Oh c'mon, Javy! It'll be cool! Plus, guys, since I guess it's breakfast here you can all **EAT** and maybe have some man to **MAN TALK **with the characters here. Doesn't that sound great!"

The trio smiled widely as many now began to nod approvingly before another raised his hand.

"Uh, can we rub it in their faces how we're real and they're not?"

"Er, well, I guess so, CJ. Just don't get yourself cursed or something."

"Can we flirt too?"

"Oh, **_most definitely_**!"

And soon enough, all were happy and ready as ever to get this show on the road.

"Er, Dumbledore, sir, we have decided that we might as well stay here for the time being while my companions and I will try to sort out a way for us to return back to our homes. But before that, we might just stay for a little bite to eat."

"Of course, of course. Everyone can stay here in Hogwarts and I wont even try to wonder how any of you got in here since I'm so wise, I probably already know the answer already. Now would you excuse me while Minnie and I go back upstairs. Oh, and do ignore any sounds that you might here. It's just us."

…Okay so I was wrong, today was definitely **NOT** going to be another normal day…

* * *

Okay, I don't really care for much now as to whether or not people will actually read or review this since this is all mostly just for the whacked up enjoyment of myself and my other Harry Potter fanatic friends who just want us included in any story. Well whoever the hell it is you are, stay tuned for the continuation of this messed up yet particularly long one shot.


	2. Muggles versus Slytherins

**WHEN MUGGLES ATTACK!**

By: distorted prep queen

Okay, so first of all, I would just like to thank my reviewers and all those people who actually read this one or at least clicked the title and ended up seeing this. Yes, shocking isn't it? Anywho, I just realized ten seconds ago that my story seems to be somewhat like Franz Ferdinand's 'Do You Want To' video, except that this includes twenty-six students who are slightly more insane than those four Scotsmen, they're not all coordinated in terms of clothing, not everyone is talented enough to be in a band, and of course this is in Hogwarts.

Anyway, for this specific cut from this particularly long one shot, I would like to mention that the main event here is inspired from something that had actually happened not to long ago.

Disclaimer: Any damages, deaths, or further injuries that may have had happened/may be happening/may happen to the students and faculty of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is not at all the responsibility of the author nor the other characters which fall under the aforementioned group.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Muggles versus Slytherins**

Utter chaos broke out as the rather small crowd of muggles suddenly dispersed among the thousand students collected in the Great Hall. Some were still unsure while others overjoyed, but either way each went their own way across the different tables and more or less forcing themselves into a conversation with a character.

Or in the case of the males, grouped themselves together and began scanning the room for any vacancy where they could inhale the food like in an all you can eat buffet except this time, it was all for free and better still, **_UNLIMITED_**.

Oh, the humanity!

"So, guys, where should we sit?"

"Hey, how about there. I think that girl's checking us out or something." A boy, otherwise known as Joseph, turned towards the direction of the Ravenclaw table where Cho Chang was obviously not even aware he existed in the first place since she was rather busy trying to pry off a great number of girls blocking her from Cedric.

"Hey, isn't that D- _what the hell is his name again_?"

"Dennis?"

"No, no. It's D something…"

"Are you sure? Did you even **_read_** the book?"

"No, did you?"

"Yes." All ten heads turned towards Mackey, who only shrugged in return. "What? I had to do something while my computer got busted. Why, did you think I was gonna go out and play _sports_ or something?"

"Wait, are we even sure it starts with a D?"

"**_Hey, I saw the movies_**!" CJ interrupted loudly. "Now correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure that it's…Drake."

"**_DRAKE_**? No it isn't, stupid!" Javy _ever so gently_ slapped the back the aforementioned's head with a backhanded slap.

"What is it then?"

"It's actually **FRODO**, idiot." Mackey rolled his eyes at the others as they all 'oooh-ed' and 'ahh-ed' at him.

"Wow, we were far with all that 'D' talk there."

"Anyway, back to topic. What was it you wanted Frodo for, CJ?"

"Well maybe we could sit with him. Look, he has all that food there and no one's even sitting near them."

"**GOD, I DON'T THINK ANYONE'S EVEN EATING THE BACON!**"

Loud girly shrieks, if you'd even believe were **worse** than those of fan girls, resonated in the Great Hall as the guys all looked just about as scandalized as the time Filch- who no one even gave a second's look- accused the Weasley twins of taking his daily stash of cat nip.

"Plus, he really isn't **THAT** gay compared to Harry Potter." Artz reasoned as he watched the others nod their heads in approval.

"Yeah, let's just go already. I'm hungry over here!"

And just like a stampede of wild bulls, they all quickly made their way towards the Slytherin table before rudely grabbing seats and pushing a plate or two…maybe three in some cases…towards them.

"_What do you think you're doing in the Slytherin table_?"

Looking up from their already mountainous pile of food, the eleven slightly pushed away their plates before being able to see who had just spoken.

"Dude, I thought you said he wasn't gay?"

Draco Malfoy shot a look at who had just whispered before throwing what was _supposed to be at least_, a look of disgust in Ace's way.

"Then what is up with him giving me that **_horny_** look? I don't know about you but it's freaking me out."

"Stupid **_mudbloods_**, don't you even know that you're not supposed to be here?"

"Yo, dudes! I think this white kid here be **_disrespecting_** us!" A stocky boy by the name of Luis said as he quickly pushed back the offending fictional character by his forehead before quickly checking his designer duds to he stained anything.

"You buffoons should _at least know_ that people of _your kind_ aren't supposed to be sitting in the Slytherin table."

"Okay, first of all, stop with the racist, **BALD BOY**!" Javy smirked as he and the others watched amused as Draco suddenly began groping the top of his head and flattening down his hair. "Yeah, you don't think I can see that **MALE PATTERN BALDNESS** starting to show right there? Second of all, don't call us stupid, Stupid!"

"Yeah, that be **_dope_** right there! You don't even got no **bling bling** wit ya!"

"Oh yeah? Well who's going to make me, **HOUSELF?**" This time, it was Draco, or Frodo should I say, that smirked, though it was most probably a bad idea since he did have some pastrami stuck in between his teeth. It really didn't add then to what was supposed to be his advantage as opposed to the _slightly_ vertically challenged boy in front of him.

"**OKAY, THAT'S IT!**"

"Alright then, **CRABBE**! **GOYLE**!"

"Too sissy to actually fight, eh? That's fine, I can take them on. C'mon show me whatcha got! C'mon you big wussies!"

More than a little confused by his sudden addition of a British accent plus these new words which made the English language even harder to understand for two boys whose brains were the sizes of cashews, the two cronies only managed to throw each other a bewildered look before getting elbowed in the eye and a left hook right on the chin.

"Oh, you want some more?"

"**TELL 'EM LIKE IT IS, JAVY!**" Luis continued pounding his fist against the table as he began rooting for his homie. "**THAT'S MY BOY RIGHT THERE!**"

Draco, for the lack of better words, was nearly wetting his trousers as he watched what was supposed to be his protection getting beaten up in less that five minutes by a muggle who was at least a foot smaller than Crabbe and Goyle.

"How about you, Frodo? Do you want your ass kicked?"

'**_WHAT SORT OF EVIL BLACK MAGIC DO THESE MUDBLOODS HAVE!_**'

Still managing to have a little bit of integrity left, Draco managed to fish out his wand and directed it in front of the enraged Javy.

"Back off, mudblood! **I HAVE MY WAND AND I AM NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!**"

Bursts of laughter erupted from the others nearby as his opponent himself began to chuckle lightly.

"**_I HAVE A WAND AND IAM NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!_**" CJ mocked as he continued laughing, practically drowning himself in saliva since he hasn't even swallowed in the past minute or so.

"What's so hilarious? I demand to know!"

"Don't mind us. Anyway back to business." Unaffected, Javy merely grabbed the proffered _wand_ and threw it behind him.

"**HEY! WHERE DID YOU THROW IT! I NEED THAT!**"

"Fine, get it from him then." Draco felt his eyes widen and even loose a hair or two as who can only be described as Hagrid Junior step out from the rest. In between the butter stained fingers was his wand, which was now soaking up the oil. "Well c'mon now! We still have to eat here!"

"Uh, nevermind then. I can always just ask Father to buy me a new one, I've been needing one anyway."

"Good then." Javy sighed in relief as he and his muggle friends proceeded to take their stolen seats and pushing closer to them their plates. "Now, pass the pancakes."

Marcus Flint, who was _supposed_ to be the tough Slytherin team captain, began to nod quickly as he promptly reached over to the other side of the table before offering the plate of pancakes to the boy in front of him. "Here you go, sir."

It was already pretty obvious by around this time that all Slytherins had thoroughly wet them selves silly nilly from what they just saw.

Filch and his cat lover really have their work cut out for them, don't they?


	3. BEWARE OF FANGIRLS

And before you even start _tsk tsk tsk_-ing me, I just wanna tell you that this chapter is really messed up due to my sudden lack of any chocolate. So, there, blame it all on my health concious mother!

Disclaimer: Like before, all muggles mentioned areNOT AT ALL LIABLE to the deaths and injuries which may follow.

* * *

**WHEN MUGGLES ATTACK!**

**Chapter 3: The Pretty Boy and Not-so-pretty Ravenclaw**

And if you thought what had happened to those poor Slytherins was bad enough, yet another thing was happening in the otherside of the room...

"**HOW CAN YOU FORGET ME, CEDRIC!**" a girl better known as Kaila wailed once again as she and the others made a reach for the already traumatized Hufflepuff seeker- who by the way looked absolutely _delicious_ even in his school robes.

Now that's what I call **_hot_**…but then again that friend of his also looks…right.

Back to the story.

"What _are_ you talking about?" Cedric demanded as he pushed himself backwards and nearly collided with the floor. Clumsy aren't we? "How can I possibly forget you if I don't even **_KNOW_** you to begin with?"

"**_HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!_**"

"I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings or anything, but I **_really_** have no idea as to who you are." He added kindly, his unusually large sensitive side kicking in. "Besides, I'm already seeing Cho."

Ooh, that **CANNOT **be good.

"**YOU'RE ALREADY SEEING SOMEONE ELSE!**" Kaila shrieked as her accomplices shot him an appalled look. "**AND DO NOT TELL ME THAT BY 'CHO', YOU MEAN _CHO CHANG_!**"

"Actually-"

"**OH GOD!**"

THUD 

"Now look at what you've done!" Merril accused as she and her other crazed friends surrounded the now unconscious Kaila who was mumbling things like "Stupid evil bitch", "fucking boyfriend stealer", and apprehensively, "I _didn't _eat the last sandwich, I swear!"

"I, er-"

"Oh, keep quiet already and give her mouth to mouth!"

"What?" Cedric looked around confused, his bright blue-gray eyes practically begging for anyone to help him here. "_What do you want me to do?_"

"Just come here and give her a-"

"What?"

"Urgh, nevermind." The rest watched surprised as Kaila quickly lifted herself off the ground before dusting off her clothes. "He was taking too long already. Not too bright, this one."

A look of understanding passed through the girls as the aforementioned obviously insulted.

"**_I'll have you know that I was able to obtain a-_**"

"Right, right. So, wait, are you **_really_ **going to replace me with _Cho Chang_, a Ravenclaw and I mean this in the best way possible-" Kaila paused before correcting herself, "-well, not really, that she isn't exactly **_easy on the eyes_**, if you know what I mean."

"Er…"

"Like I said, not the brightest crayon in the box. What I meant was that she's not exactly a looker."

"Er…"

"**_I MEAN PRETTY!_**"

"Oh…"

"**_HOW DARE YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT ABOUT ME! I WOULD'VE STRANGLED YOU EARLIER TOO IF IT WASN'T FOR YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS HERE!_**"

Kaila merely faked a yawn as she looked back at her 'competition' and nearly died laughing as soon as she did. Before we could possibly understand _why_ she would do such a thing, we have to remember that not everything we watch, and more importantly, **_read_** is necessarily true.

What the hell does JK Rowling know about Hogwarts anyways? It's not like she's ever been there, right?

…

…Okay, let's wait for another time for _that_ story.

Right, well, in the case of Cho Chang, she was more or less shown as Chinese looking, has long black hair, and obviously has looks seeing as how she could get Harry Potter, Cedric Diggory, and in the fifth book, Roger Davies asking her out. But then again how are any of us **_REALLY, REALLY, AS IN SUPER, SUPER _**sure she really looks that way?

To be perfectly honest Cho wasn't anything of those things. So instead of seeing some heart stopping beauty, there just stood a gangly girl who was in _definite_ need of a dermatologist to assist her with the obvious acute acne problems and a dentist as well to get her teeth fixed- **PRONTO**.

"**HOLY MOTHER OF-**"

I swear, after seeing that sight, I don't even blame the girl for fainting.

"Wait, wait. Are you telling us that she- as in, that girl with the bad teeth-"

"**_HEY!_"  
**

"Oh shut up, would you? Anyway, like I was saying, you're telling us that **_she's_** Cho?"

"Er, yeah." Cedric nodded mutely as the aforementioned quickly rushed to his side. "Why, who were you expecting to see?"

For once the whole Great Hall was silent as the others turned to listen to their conversation.

"Uh, I dunno. Someone…not her?"

The other newcomers agreed as yet another one of the poor souls fainted as an unusually somber atmosphere hung among them.

"Er, so…what now?"

"I dunno. I mean, now I can't exactly like a guy who has **_that_** bad tastes with girls, even if he is that hot." Kaila merely shrugged as she took a step closer to Cedric though making sure to distant herself from the girl hanging off his arm just incase _whatever_ it was she had was contagious. "This just isn't gonna work out. I think we should really just go our separate ways, you know…_see other people_."

"…Okay?"

"Alright then. I'm just gonna overlook this whole thing about you **_cheating_ **on me and let you both off the hook." Ending with a smile, she was just about to turn back when the Hufflepuff spoke again.

"I didn't even-"

"Seriously, don't even finish that sentence unless you're just waiting to get kicked in the balls."

"Er, right then!" Cedric quickly flashed her a smile as the oddly calm girl walked away…or so they thought, for as soon as she had almost left their sight, Kaila was suddenly back to her spot and Cho suddenly flat on the ground with a bleeding nose.

_**Whoa.**_

"Sorry, 'bout that. I just couldn't resist." Plastering on a sweet smile, the others could only stare as she finally skipped out leaving them speechless.

After fifteen minutes of complete silence, people finally got the idea and began going back to their insignificant lives…well, that that is, minus _one_.

"Cedric, what happened?" Cho was finally starting to gain consciousness and was already beginning to get up from the floor. "I only remember some curly haired girl, we were arguing…and then…"

"Shh, it's alright now…"

It was just starting to become one of those Kodak moments when that certain _one_ decided to come over, and for the lack of better words, punched the already bruising girl right on the nose.

"I just wanted to try it. Looked like fun."

Cedric had never been more confused in his entire life- _which is definitely saying **something**_- as he looked up at the other girl in confusion before she finally turned and walked towards the Gryffindor table to look for a certain scarhead, a lusting bucktoothed know-it-all girl, and the best friend.

Uh oh.


End file.
